The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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