woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
