So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
