I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Randomize
