I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Randomize
