Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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