There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
