Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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