woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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