I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
