just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Did you just see the Batmobile???
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
