Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
