Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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