Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
