Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
your like the ambassador to my penis.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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