I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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