my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
