if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
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