Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
