her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
