you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
