Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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