I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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