my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
