Nicole vs. Life
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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