Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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