These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
