Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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