I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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