I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
