remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
