dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
there is puke in my bra ... again
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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