why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
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