I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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