I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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