ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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