Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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