I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Randomize
