Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I'm at about main and main street
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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