Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
