would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Randomize