I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Randomize
