When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
