dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
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