sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
