i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
