You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
