omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
