I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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