my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
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