If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize