I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
