I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
