beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
