totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
It's never too late to be topless.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
